I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
