I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
