there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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