im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize