I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
