She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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