dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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