fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
