she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
