Yo dont text me then not text me
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
