He had one of those small greek statue penises
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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