sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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