In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
