Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
