I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
