he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
