I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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