You smell like stripper and shame
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize