doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
