Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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