a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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