You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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