oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Too much gin, very little bucket
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
