Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
