I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
