The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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