I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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