So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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