You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize