I showed him my bush... on skype.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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