You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
