Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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