I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
