Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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