FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
