Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
