It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
