i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
