Do you still have your period?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
