Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
