somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
