Where did you get a picture of my penis
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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