I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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