i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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