is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize