hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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