he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
