when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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