I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
