i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize