Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize