A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Randomize
