I wish my penis had an off switch
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
