Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
