The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
