Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize