So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
