Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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