I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
