He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
