Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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