My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize