it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
