Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
