im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
