I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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